Sasha Debevec-McKenney

I DON’T WANT TO FALL IN LOVE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT

but I drank 800 calories of bourbon with him last night
and this morning I was so hungover I would have let myself have it,
a bagel, but I couldn’t move, dumb struck with my hands down my pants
until I had to go to work. No time. I talk myself back
into eating the overnight oats in the fridge. Flax seeds.
Unsweetened almond milk. Once something goes into your body
it’s in your body for good. Your thighs, your butt, your stomach.
Last week walking in the park he asked, what kind of food do you like?
I said healthy, he said I’ve been craving wings.
Me too, but I get mine unsauced. He tells me the truth
about his girlfriend. He adds more and more to the scale.
I shouldn’t have put the cream in my coffee this morning. Two servings.
One for me and one for the version of me that lets herself fall in love.
She isn’t scared to gain anything. To tell him keep feeding me
like before I lost weight; I’m thinking about seconds
and thirds with all of this still on my plate. It’s like dipping bacon
into maple syrup. It’s egg yolk dripping down the hand. It’s the hand
up my shirt. Last night the bartender told us we needed to get a room
and that was all I wanted: to be in a room with him.
I told her well actually we can’t, we’re having an affair,
there isn’t a room we can go to. This is our room. I made it for us.

SASHA DEBEVEC-MCKENNEY was born in Hartford, Connecticut. She was the 2020-2021 Jay C. and Ruth Halls Poetry Fellow at the University of Wisconsin Institute for Creative Writing and she received her MFA from New York University.